A Song of Fiery War Axe & Ice Breaker #5

A weekly short story of your favorite Hearthstone heroes Thrall and Garrosh.

“Maybe it’s up now? Maybe it’s up now? Click refresh again!”

Garrosh and Thrall were sitting in front of a computer, at a room situated in a secret dormitory near Blizzard HQ.  Garrosh looked anxious, pestering Thrall, who was in control of the mouse.

“Will you quit it already?” Thrall blurted out in frustration “The report is coming out in 1 minute.”

“The suspense is killing me!” Garrosh responded.

A few more moments passed, and after another click of the refresh button, the Vicious Syndicate Data Reaper Report appeared in front of them. Thrall began to eagerly read it, scrolling down the paragraphs quickly while Garrosh looked away, closing his eyes.

“Just tell me how bad is it, I can’t watch” Garrosh said with a pained expression.

Thrall’s eyes kept wandering, until he finally fixated on one of the paragraphs. Gulping, he began to read out loud.

“The balance patch seems to have passed over Warrior. It is the least popular class at all levels of play by a significant margin, and it has barely seen any rise in play following the balance changes, unlike other previously neglected classes. The only archetype seeing consistent play is Taunt Warrior, while other experimentations have failed to gain traction. It looks like Warrior may suffer a few more months on the sidelines, hopelessly outclassed by the rest of the field.”

“Oh God, no” Garrosh cried out “Why can’t I catch a break? Why do I always have to suffer? Why do …”

“Just kidding” Thrall interrupted.

Garrosh went silent. He opened his eyes and looked at his companion, annoyed.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? You’re pulling a prank on me now of all times!? What does the report really say?”

“No. No.” Thrall shook his head “The report literally says: Just kidding. Keep reading.”

“That is so unprofessional!” Garrosh declared “Aren’t these guys supposed to be data scientists?”

Thrall chuckled before scrolling further down. His laughter stopped as his eyes fixated on the Power Ranking table. Garrosh looked away from the computer, but could hear a loud gasp coming from Thrall after a few seconds.

“What…. Is it?” Garrosh asked nervously. A part of him did not want to hear an answer. A part of him wanted to remain unaware of whatever truth is out there.

“Warrior is Tier 1” Thrall replied. His tone signaled disbelief and amazement.

“Wha…” Garrosh could only muster half a word for a few seconds, before finally turning his gaze at the screen.

There it was, black on white.

“Why is Taunt Warrior performing so well in the early post-patch Witchwood meta? Looking at its matchup spread provides the answer. It demolishes board centric decks that spread wide and punishes passive control decks. This combination, alongside the disappearance of some of its worst matchups carrying stronger late games than Ragnaros shots, has translated to an incredible score for the archetype.”

Garrosh rubbed his eyes, as if trying to wake up from a dream. He pinched his cheek, and could feel the pain. A few moments of silence followed before finally, he jumped from his seat and shouted one word.


The big Orc began dancing around the room, cheering loudly, jumping and fist pumping in the air. Thrall could only stare at his antics, smiling in relief.

“Wait!” Garrosh stopped and turned his attention back to Thrall “How are you doing?” he asked.

“Tier 2. Pretty good” Thrall nodded, looking content with Shaman’s results.

“And how is Gul’dan doing?” Garrosh continued.

“Tier 1, as well”

Garrosh groaned.


“Tier 3” the answer came. A grin formed on Thrall’s face.

“Hahahah!” Garrosh’s brief pause of celebration ended with a loud laugh that put tears in his eyes “I guess the light has betrayed the poor pigskin!”

After another minute of basking in his victory, Garrosh began walking towards the door, which made Thrall lift his brow in curiosity.

“Hey, where are you going now, Garrosh? Let’s order some beers and celebrate!”

Garrosh looked at Thrall with a wide grin on his face.

“Heh. Where am I going? I’m going to find Anduin and rub it in his pretty little face, of course!”

Thrall sighed.

“Haven’t you learned from the past? You should be gracious in victory.” Thrall crossed his arms, and looked like a stern teacher giving his student a lecture in ethics. “This report is also showing early data. They even say things could drastically change. Don’t go piss people off now, it can come back and bite you.”

Garrosh chuckled and waved off Thrall’s concerns.

“I have waited too long for this moment to arrive, Thrall. I’ve endured so many weeks of humiliation and text messages from these fools, mocking me. It is my time now!”

He walked towards the door, opened it and looked at Thrall once again.

“Remember what Hearthstone is all about, Thrall.”

“A fun card game that brings people together?”

“No. Winning is not as fun if you don’t BM.”

Garrosh exited the room and closed the door.

Thrall sighed, yet couldn’t help but form a smile on his face.

“You’re such an asshole, Garrosh.” He whispered quietly to himself.

Miss last week’s episode? Catch up here!


  1. Once these stories became a “thing” I figured I wouldn’t enjoy them as much. (I actually do miss the surprise of finding them in the actual reaper reports.)

    But this one made me laugh out loud.

    Good stuff.

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